Puppy Love

In case anyone hasn't been able to tell, I've been thinking a lot about my love life recently and what a mess it is.  Which is funny, because it isn't really a mess, I'm just making myself think it's a mess.  One more, guys, then I'll move on to other parts of my life that are actually a mess, maybe an actual "hey, this is me, this is who I am," kind of post.

Truth be told, I think I'm still very much in the puppy dog love stage of my relationship with Steve.  Yes, I've been thinking a lot and freaking out about us recently, but that's just part of my nature.  Unless everything is perfect, something is very wrong... and that's something I know I have to work on.  I think being with Steve is going to be a part of what really helps me with that.

But anyway...

It still excites me just to get a text from him.  Even if it's just the standard "good morning," text (which, granted, doesn't come every day).  Earlier tonight, he sent me a text telling me that he wishes I could go to his drill week with him, probably because I haven't really seen him at all this month.  Even though the entire conversation was maybe four to six short texts long, it just made me so happy.  He isn't perfect, but it's little things like that where I know he's mine.  I know it's something I don't have to second guess or look for cracks.  Being the first time I've ever been is this secure of a place with a relationship, it's really comforting.

Then again, pretty much everything about being with him is comforting to me.  He's so... grounded... and stable.  I think part of it comes from being a military man, but I could be wrong.  Everything, from the way he looks at me to the way he holds me to the sound of his voice when he's being protective of me... It's all so amazing to me.  All these things stem from who he is as a person, so I'm sure one day how I feel about it all will probably calm down.  Then again, he's the first person to every really treat me quite this way, so maybe I won't.

I think one of my favorite things is getting into bed with him while he's sleeping.  I know that probably sounds strange...  But it's like once I'm settled in bed, he knows it, conscious or not.  Immediately his arms wrap around me and pull me in nice and close.  At that point, his hold is always so warm and firm, but never too tight.  It's one of the best feelings I've ever had.

He told me the other morning that he sleeps better with me, and if I'm being honest, I do too.  Having him there, even if he's facing the opposite direction, seemingly unaware that I'm even there, makes relaxing and being able to fall asleep that much easier.  Even with his obnoxiously loud snoring.  Maybe one day I'll be able to tune it out.  Or even better, maybe one day we'll be able to figure out how to help him stop snoring... but maybe that's just wishful thinking.

https://stocksnap.io/photo/A6715651B3

New Relationships...

Before I begin, let me say I'm not that complicated of a person when it comes to love.  I want someone stable, someone who will be there when I need them (even if that means talking on the phone, texting, skyping, etc.), someone I can just be happy with and who can be happy with me too.

For a couple months now I've been seeing this guy.  For simplicity's sake, we'll call him Steve.  Steve isn't perfect.  He isn't the most physically attractive guy, he snores pretty loudly, and I don't really get to see him as much as I'd like to.  What Steve IS, though, is everything that I know I need in someone.  For as much as he isn't physically here with me, we still talk.  Maybe not every day, but it's not like he just falls off the face of the Earth.  He's stable, which is something that my life really needs right now as much as everything is changing for me.  I'm sure that comes from the roughly five year age gap between us.  Steve's protective, most likely stemming from his military background coupled with his day job as a security guard.  Sounds like everything I can remember wanting in a guy, minus the looks, but let's be honest... looks are really just icing on the cake.  Nice, but not necessary.

So what's my problem?  I've been doubting the relationship the past couple weeks for reasons I haven't quite been able to put my finger on.  At least, until a few days ago.  I've been friends with Dan for a few years now.  We're really close.  Dan knows me on a level I don't think anyone else has ever really seen me.  Over the years, I've grown to have a real love for Dan.  He's been there through home troubles, boyfriend troubles, college troubles, friend troubles... If I could have ever had Dan, I would have gone there in a heartbeat.  Both Dan and I know and understand that we'll never be able to have each other in a romantic sense, but we'll always be good friends.

That doesn't stop me from wanting what I have with Dan to be in my relationship with Steve though.  I'm sure it's just impatience talking, because I know it takes time, but I really want Steve and I to be on that level and it frustrates me that we aren't.  Wanting a relationship that's only a few months old to measure up to one that's been around for years isn't fair and in truth I feel really bad for the thoughts I've been having.

A part of me wants to bring this up to Steve, and I almost did last night, but I really don't want to hurt him.  I think I really just need to take the time and see how things turn out with us naturally.  I know that I have a good thing with Steve and I would hate to mess it up, but I don't really know how long I'm supposed to wait for the deeper feelings to come along.  I don't want to end things too early and not give us enough time.  On the other hand, I don't want to let things go too long and never feel what I want to feel for him either.  Maybe that's a good point for us right now, knowing that we care about each other.  Maybe I need to step back and just let us be what we are, a fairly new relationship that needs more time to develop.

Round 1

Why do people think that "I'm going through a hard time right now/I was going through a hard time," gives them the right to be an ass, or excuses their previous behavior?  The amount of times I've heard this from people trying to get back into good graces (for God only knows what reason) is insane. No, telling me that you're sorry after... how many times? That's not going to make it all okay again.  It's just not.  No, a few months won't change anything.  No, if you stop drinking, it won't mean anything.

How many times do you have to say you're sorry before you give up?

I mean, yes, I know the kind of person I signed up for.  Strong and stubborn.  Always gets their way.  That doesn't mean you can treat people like your personal toys, things to throw away and dig back up again as you please.  I'll only say this once.  I am NOT a toy.  I am NOT for your personal amusement.  I am NOT going through all that again.  Got it?

Oh, and waiting a few months?  That won't help. I gave you years.

I'm not angry anymore, I'm just tired.  You're not the first one, and knowing my luck you won't be the last.  Maybe I'll learn warning signs of this kind of thing one day.  Maybe one day you'll finally leave me alone.