Before I begin, let me say I'm not that complicated of a person when it comes to love. I want someone stable, someone who will be there when I need them (even if that means talking on the phone, texting, skyping, etc.), someone I can just be happy with and who can be happy with me too.
For a couple months now I've been seeing this guy. For simplicity's sake, we'll call him Steve. Steve isn't perfect. He isn't the most physically attractive guy, he snores pretty loudly, and I don't really get to see him as much as I'd like to. What Steve IS, though, is everything that I know I need in someone. For as much as he isn't physically here with me, we still talk. Maybe not every day, but it's not like he just falls off the face of the Earth. He's stable, which is something that my life really needs right now as much as everything is changing for me. I'm sure that comes from the roughly five year age gap between us. Steve's protective, most likely stemming from his military background coupled with his day job as a security guard. Sounds like everything I can remember wanting in a guy, minus the looks, but let's be honest... looks are really just icing on the cake. Nice, but not necessary.
So what's my problem? I've been doubting the relationship the past couple weeks for reasons I haven't quite been able to put my finger on. At least, until a few days ago. I've been friends with Dan for a few years now. We're really close. Dan knows me on a level I don't think anyone else has ever really seen me. Over the years, I've grown to have a real love for Dan. He's been there through home troubles, boyfriend troubles, college troubles, friend troubles... If I could have ever had Dan, I would have gone there in a heartbeat. Both Dan and I know and understand that we'll never be able to have each other in a romantic sense, but we'll always be good friends.
That doesn't stop me from wanting what I have with Dan to be in my relationship with Steve though. I'm sure it's just impatience talking, because I know it takes time, but I really want Steve and I to be on that level and it frustrates me that we aren't. Wanting a relationship that's only a few months old to measure up to one that's been around for years isn't fair and in truth I feel really bad for the thoughts I've been having.
A part of me wants to bring this up to Steve, and I almost did last night, but I really don't want to hurt him. I think I really just need to take the time and see how things turn out with us naturally. I know that I have a good thing with Steve and I would hate to mess it up, but I don't really know how long I'm supposed to wait for the deeper feelings to come along. I don't want to end things too early and not give us enough time. On the other hand, I don't want to let things go too long and never feel what I want to feel for him either. Maybe that's a good point for us right now, knowing that we care about each other. Maybe I need to step back and just let us be what we are, a fairly new relationship that needs more time to develop.
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